Aching

Life is crazy. My brother Bryan is going through some pretty harsh depression and it is eating away at him and the rest of us. Poor Sarah and the kids. I don't have the time to go into detail, other than this has been the first BIG HIT for our "perfect" family- so I used to think. It is good for me to experience this. This is where the Gospel rings true and come alive in life.
I love my children. I am so blessed to be a mom to two beautiful, healthy boys. It is hard work. Hardest work I have ever experienced. But, it's good and it's true.
I love my husband. I love that I feel secure and loved by him.
Life is precious and I need to realize this more. I hope and ache for Bryan. I hope he comes out of this dark place- whether it be months or years ahead- I hope he comes back.

A new start.

After 6 months of unemployment, Owen finally got a job! A great job! He is working at Highland Cove in Salt Lake City as a Manager in Training. He started this week and so far is loving every minute! I am so happy for him and feel continually blessed that this job came at the right time. I can honestly say that the past 6 months have been VERY trying and VERY difficult. I don't think there was a day that I didn't cry. It was just so hard and overwhelming to know that he wasn't getting jobs because of his inexperience or not enough training. But all along, I trusted that the Lord would have a plan for us and I just needed to do the best I could to have faith along the way. I was not perfect, and still am far from it, but I am TRYING and continue to TRY each day to live close to my Heavenly Father. I can do so much better. But needless to say we have begun a new chapter this week in our lives. This job, I am sure will open many doors and lead us to new experiences.
So I finally uploaded a TON of pictures and will just post some random ones and hopefully in the NEAR future I can be more diligent in keeping record of what is going on in our lives with posts and pictures together:)
4th of July

Sunday Family Photos/June 2012

tonight.

I have LOVED putting Nolen down for bed lately. I lay down beside him, sing him either You Are My Sunshine or I am a Child of God, talk with quietly with him for a few minutes then just lay and listen to him breathe. When I get up to go I kiss him goodnight and he grabs my neck and holds me tightly to him, not letting go...LOVE it. In those moments I feel so blessed to have him in my life. I love being a mom. I may not express it much and I could do it a lot better, but with all the hard, frustrating and awful things that come along with rasing kids, its the best job ever. hands down. I love my job.

church.

I was in a bad mood when I got to church today for a number of reasons...William was with us and the boys were just antsy to begin with, Ollie was everywhere (no surprise) and Owen made me upset because he over-exagerated "scooting down" and I just got very upset- so after Nolen got loud during a confirmation for a new family in our ward I got up and took him out to an empty room, plotted him down on a chair and just sat and stared ahead in major discouragment. Nolen fake-cried for about five minutes then got concerned as I began crying. I just started and couldnt stop. Nolen was very concerned, got quiet and said "Im so sorry mom. I am so sorry" Which of course made me cry more and I finally took him in my arms and said "Nolen I need you to be a good boy. I need you to listen to me. I need you to be nice. I need you to whisper and be reverant in church." He was very sweet and agreed to help me out. He then put his arms around me and said "Mom, I will take care of you." MELT MY HEART KID! I was all of sudden better and resolved deep down inside that this week would be better. I am going to TRY to be better in many ways. One step at a time though right? Tender mercy- as I was walking back to go back in for sacrament (thinking for sure I had already missed taking the Sac.)- i came right in time to take it in the hallway.I was grateful to be able to take the sacrament and renew my covenants. This week I am going to :
NOT GO ON FACEBOOK. - its pointless...waste of my time.
NOT YELL. TRY at least.
BE SWEETER to my HUSBAND. he's too good to me and I need to pay him back more often.
NOT get so STRESSED so QUICKLY or EASILY. go with the flow and let things go. There is always tomorrow.
TRY. I am going to TRY to be better this week. We ll see how it goes.:)

blessed.

I spend a lot of my days discouraged, frustrated and frazzled. I feel so much that I am inadequate as a mother, and inadequate as a wife and it just gets to me so often lately. BUT luckily I KNOW I am blessed at the end of the day. I have two BEAUTIFUL boys who are the BEST things that have happend to me in my life (other than Owen- get to him later). I LOVE that Nolen will HUG me so TIGHT and give me kisses lots. And Ollie-his SMILE just melts my heart. He has been so expressive with his many emotions lately.
Unfortunatly I have been interupted a number of times tonight-- I will have to finish this later. argh.

Life Lately...

Life has definetly been tough lately. With Owen out of work and the prospects of finding a job sooner than later not looking so good, it seems like we are trapped. Our relationship has for sure been hindered in the last few months, not because we want it this way- it's just the circumstances that have put us in unwanted situations. It's hard for me to imagine if it would be any better if we were living on our own again in our own home? I like to think so. We would have our own furniture, our own food, our own beds, our own closets...all of which seems so simple but when you don't have your own home to come home to it's eye-opening. The good thing is and the BLESSING is that we get to stay at my parents' home which if we had to live ANYWHERE for a period of time- this would be the place. So much love here from them and so much freedom to feel like we can operate how we would in our own place. My parents have been so kind to house us for these last few months. Nolen and Ollie sure do love to play with them and be around them whenever they get the chance. This will definetly be a memory not to be forgotten.
Owen has been very diligent in seeking employment. We are waiting to hopefully hear from and have more interviews from Sunrise in Holladay. The other discouraging thing is that as soon as Owen moves so far along in the whole HIRING process, things all of a sudden fall through. So on to PATIENCE PATIENCE and more PATIENCE. I do need to be more appreciative of Owen's hard work though. I know he wants whats best for this family and I need to support him even more.
Nolen has grown so much since we have been here. His vocabulary is everywhere and it is hilarious to hear him say things. His latest funny sayings are:
when he gets in trouble and has to go to time out he'll run away to time-out and YELL/SCREAM- "BAD!!!!!!"
The other night him and Will were eating dinner doing their lame "yummy-ow" get up when I said "You guys are such dorks" and Nolen came back with- " No wer'e not mom- wer'e just kids!" good one!
We take naps together lately and he will always ask if I will "snuggle him a lot"
We talked about the Resurrection around Easter this year and told Nolen that Jesus died for us, so often when Nolen hears Jesus's name or something about him he will almost get teary eyed and say " Jesus died mom...that's so sad" gotta work on that one...
Ollie is just a FUNNY little boy. I LOVE to watch him walk. I have never seen a baby walk like Ollie. It's almost like he just got off a horse and has a giddy'up. So cute. He LOVES to follow Nolen and Will everywhere and tries to stay up with them. Today he got really upset because Nolen took a ball away from him and he didn't know what to do, so he grabbed a flower out of Nana's pot and threw it on the ground angrily. It was pretty funny.
I am doing my best to do things that keep me sane and happy. I am borrowing Sarah's guitar, reading ALOT and trying to cook more. Anyway I don't feel like writing anymore...i have GOT TO get better at writing here more! UGH!

It's been a while.

I wish and hope that one day I will be much better at keeping a journal. Oh, how many times I have said these same words. Life has been crazy to say the least...in a nutshell-
- we are currently living at mom and dad's in Springville while Owen SEARCHES high and low for a job.
- Ollie is a WHINER and will NOT stop whining or crying until he gets exactly what he wants.
- Nolen is VERY DISOBEDIENT lately. As soon as you tell him to NOT do something- he DOES it intentionally! He is CONSTANTLY in time outs.
- I am an emotional roller-coaster...mainly wishing away that I was more domestic and better to all my boys. I feel I have so much potential to do something GREAT but often find myself frustrated and discouraged because we seem to be in a family rut and that is all I can focus on. Wonderful.
- Owen has really been doing a great job in being consistent each day for searching for employment. When he is up I am down and vice versa.
- I do have to say that it is overly NICE to be here in UTAH. I love it here and feel so blessed that mom and dad have offered to help us out as we are in transition. I just HOPE that this transition will come to an end sooner than later.
** I will do my best to once again be better at documenting things in my life....