tonight.

I have LOVED putting Nolen down for bed lately. I lay down beside him, sing him either You Are My Sunshine or I am a Child of God, talk with quietly with him for a few minutes then just lay and listen to him breathe. When I get up to go I kiss him goodnight and he grabs my neck and holds me tightly to him, not letting go...LOVE it. In those moments I feel so blessed to have him in my life. I love being a mom. I may not express it much and I could do it a lot better, but with all the hard, frustrating and awful things that come along with rasing kids, its the best job ever. hands down. I love my job.

church.

I was in a bad mood when I got to church today for a number of reasons...William was with us and the boys were just antsy to begin with, Ollie was everywhere (no surprise) and Owen made me upset because he over-exagerated "scooting down" and I just got very upset- so after Nolen got loud during a confirmation for a new family in our ward I got up and took him out to an empty room, plotted him down on a chair and just sat and stared ahead in major discouragment. Nolen fake-cried for about five minutes then got concerned as I began crying. I just started and couldnt stop. Nolen was very concerned, got quiet and said "Im so sorry mom. I am so sorry" Which of course made me cry more and I finally took him in my arms and said "Nolen I need you to be a good boy. I need you to listen to me. I need you to be nice. I need you to whisper and be reverant in church." He was very sweet and agreed to help me out. He then put his arms around me and said "Mom, I will take care of you." MELT MY HEART KID! I was all of sudden better and resolved deep down inside that this week would be better. I am going to TRY to be better in many ways. One step at a time though right? Tender mercy- as I was walking back to go back in for sacrament (thinking for sure I had already missed taking the Sac.)- i came right in time to take it in the hallway.I was grateful to be able to take the sacrament and renew my covenants. This week I am going to :
NOT GO ON FACEBOOK. - its pointless...waste of my time.
NOT YELL. TRY at least.
BE SWEETER to my HUSBAND. he's too good to me and I need to pay him back more often.
NOT get so STRESSED so QUICKLY or EASILY. go with the flow and let things go. There is always tomorrow.
TRY. I am going to TRY to be better this week. We ll see how it goes.:)

HAPPY 3RD BIRTHDAY NOLEN!

So yes, I am a week behind in writing you for your birthday- BUT at least I am getting to it and I have been WANTING to forever now, just couldn't find the time.

Your birthday this year was PERFECT. We celebrated it on the 5th because we were going to be heading down to CA to see dad. Anyway it was so fun and so simple. We had balloons waiting at the top of the stairs for you- which you and Ollie LOVED and you went bowling with Will and came home for pizza, dessert (cake with a thomas engine on it) and presents! It was so fun to see you light up about everything on your birthday. This was for sure the first birthday where you "got it".

I love you so much Nolen. You seriously make me the happiest mama around. I truly feel like you and I have this certain bond that no one knows about. Just you and me. I love to snuggle you and hear you breath when you fall asleep. I love to see you interact with Ollie boy. You sure do love him a lot. You love to learn too! You continually want to learn and LOVE to share with others what you have learned. We are working on your abc's and 123's- getting close! You love to sing songs with me and I love it too.

I am so glad you are my boy and that you are here to teach me each day what it means to be a mother. I hope that I can continue to be as good as you are to me. I love you so much Nolen!!

Love-

Mama

Nolen,

We have been in Utah for about 3 weeks now. And what you think is Utah is, Nana and Papa's house. It is so funny because whenever we are driving up to their house you will say, " We made it! We made it to Utah!" And we when are out and about and you want to go home you will say,

"Can we go to Utah?" Or, "Can William come over to Utah?"

My other favorite thing you are doing lately is saying your own prayers. You are always insisting to say the prayer. You have even volunteered in nursery. Your prayers are very sweet, and usually consist of the same thing:

bless William to come over and play with me

bless nana, papa, william and sarah and bryan and mama and dada and ollie boy!

bless this food to give nourishment

in name of Jesus Christ AMEN!

I LOVE to watch you pray too because you fold your arms so tightly and bow your head and squint your eyes shut...so serious and sooo cute.

In the car one day I was talking with Nana and somehow you were talking to us about different people and I said "I'm your Nana!" (just joking of course) and you said, " No you're not nana mom! You are my friend- Mama!" I loved it. I love that you are my little buddy and that I feel a definite bond with you.

I love you so much and will always be your mama and friend:)

Loves,

Mama

Nolen,

It has been to long! It is also late but I just want to write you a little note. We went to Disneyland again tonight. There is truly something so magical about that place! It is such blast to go with you during the night-time because of all the lights and fun parades and shows. Especially during this Holiday time- SO MUCH LIGHTS and SO MANY fun things to look at! I LOVE watching you look at all the many fun things. Your favorite ride right now is Buzz and the Rockets. We also made it to Its a Small World tonight. That's my favorite. I will NEVER forget these great memories of taking you to Disneyland while we have lived in Torrance. It's been such a short time and so we have been using our pass well!

You have one more sticker for your Potty Training Chart and then you get your MATER! I am so excited for you! I have been so impressed with you potty-training! You are such a big boy and potty-training has been so easy for you- and me!

Your dad and I have been saying a lot lately that you have been GROWING UP WAY TOO FAST lately! We are seeing you change from a Toddler to a LITTLE BOY. Oh- I really hope I am soaking up all that I can. I know that one day I will look back and cry because you will have just grown up before my eyes!!!

My favorite thing with you lately has been going down for naps together or snuggling first thing in the morning. You and Ollie have recently started to share rooms so I have had you with me while Ollie falls asleep. Anyway- I LOVE having you so close. You are pretty antsy for about10 mins, then you see that I am (secretly) closing my eyes and you soon drift off to dreamland. And you are such a sound sleeper. Oh, you are so precious to me. Please snuggle with me when you are older. I will LOVE it even then.

I love you Nolen. Tomorrow is another LONG day ahead with two very demanding, crazy little boys- but I wouldn't have in any other way:)

Loves,

Mama

Nolen,

You are so funny. Gosh, you have the ability to FRUSTRATE me SO EASILY but in an instant make me want to SQUEEZE you with love. Lately, you have been very challenging. I am hoping it is your age. When I am on the phone- usually with Nana, you become so defiant and disobedient because you KNOW you can get away with things. Today for instance, you pushed Ollie, you threw your toys EVERYWHERE, you were playing with the mouse and keyboard- just driving me insane while I was on the phone. Then when a friend came over to chat, you did the same things! Only this time you put food in your cup of water then dumped it on the table- WHAT? WHY? I guess you really are pushing my buttons and making me a better person in the long run as I learn how to deal and handle circumstances such as this. But then I LOVE our relationship. I LOVE that you come to me even if I have scolded you to death and sent you to your room 5 times. You come to me and say "I'm so sorry" and then you snuggle me and let me look into your beautiful blue eyes. I love it. I love you. I just hope I am doing all that I can to raise you well in this crazy world of ours. I'm scared of the future with the way times change so fast these days. I seriously hope that when you are a MAN you will be a good MAN like your dad. A MAN who respects women. A MAN who LOVES to serve. A MAN who LOVES his wife. A MAN who loves his kids. A MAN who knows who he is and what he can do. A MAN who is determined to make good things happen. A MAN who is true and faithful in his covenants. A MAN who still loves his MAMA:) My mom told me today that she used to think when she was raising all her boys, " I am raising a MAN- this little boy will one day be a man and I need to do all that I can to make sure I raise a good MAN" I hope I am doing that Nolen. I love you more than words can express. Please always know that!

Loves,
Mama. Mom.

BEEP BEEP!

Nolen,
Oh man. It happened, and I hope you don't read this letter til your a bit older, like 30! So lately, when you get upset, frustrated, inpatient you either mumble or say quickly and abruptly "DAMN IT!" Now where on earth did you get that from?? Sadly, me. The first time you did it, I couldn't help but laugh...which of course you saw and thought it was funny afterwards. I have punished you by sending you to time-out and spanking. Its probably happened about 10 times now. Also the first time you did it your dad was very upset with me and gave me a look of dissapointment- so I have been trying so hard not to use that word or any other swear word in my vocabulary. I have been doing pretty good too! But unfortunatly you remember that word and use it here and there- when you're really upset. Tonight you did again when you were trying to turn off the T.V. with the remote and it didn't work. You said it and your dad and I tried so hard not to laugh and turn the other way- but of course you saw us and laughed too. We still sent you to time out- so not working! I feel awful for teaching you such a bad word, and not being able to fix it! It is pretty much the cutest thing though when you do say it. That's why we laugh. You wouldn't typically expect a 2 year old to say that word. So needless to say- I HOPE this will pass and I HOPE you will stop saying this word forever because it will make me look real bad soon enough...but secretly it is so adorable when you do it. PLEASE don't say it anymore DAMN IT!

I love you to pieces.
LOVES,
Mom

Nolen,

Today we danced. Nothing new, we always dance to Pandora music. Our favorites are the Disney station and Toddler station. But this time I really had fun- I soaked it in. There is somthing about dancing with you that brings me sooo much joy! You love to have me twirl with you or make you "fly". And when I do twirl you, you hold so close to me and that's what I love. I love when all is care free and it's just you and I loving the moment we are in. I am happy that I took the time to really dance and just be with you. It was so much fun. I am not good at all with words, so I want to copy somthing I read on a blog the other day. Everything that is said from this blog is SO TRUE.
"The living moment is the most breathing, captivating, fleeting thing. It is magic. Emerson said we are alwasy getting ready to live, but never living. Is he right?
Too much I choose blinders without thinking and like the work-horse, I am bent to the plow, the laundry basket, the floor, the sink. Sometimes I am too bent on getting us ready to live that I brush right past the living."
I hope that I won't forget today, dancing with you. I hope that I can enjoy the hear and now. Another thing that this lady wrote in her blog, is that children don't live in the past or future, they live in the here and now. I hope that I can do that more often. I am loving these "here and now" moments with you Nolen! I love you!

Loves, Mom.

Disneyland with my boys.

Nolen and Ollie-
Today I decided last minute to take you Disneyland for a few hours- and boy was it a great idea! It couldn't have been more perfect. We went on, It's a Small World, to ToonTown, Tea Cups, Peter Pan, and ended the morning with the Carosel (sp?)...Nolen you are learning how to be a better boy in line. You love to climb anything you can and by so doing you sometimes get hurt in the process- hoping you learn soon just to stand still! And Ollie! PERFECT! You came on all the rides with us without a tear- you loved it just as much as Nolen. Near the end when when we were in line for the Carosel you fell asleep on my chest and I held you so close and snuggled you up. You have never done that before. It was too precious having you up against my cheek.
Before naps today- Nolen- you began to make Ollie laugh again. I LOVE LOVE LOVE when you make your little brother laugh. You can do it so quickly. Ollie sure does think you are the best. He LOVES to watch what you do and follows you wherever you go. He just thinks you are pretty much the coolest ever.
Thank you boys for making me one happy mama today. I love you and am so happy that I get to stay home with you and take good care of you!!

Loves,
Mom

SCREAMING.

Nolen-
I am so happy I have found a way to write to you whenever I want. My friend gave me this wonderful idea to make a blog for my boys so whenever a funny, sad, awkward, madning, thing happens I can write it down and keep in touch with you through these letters!
So you are now 2 1/2 and clearly on your way to 3, and oh so active! We got rid of your binky about a month ago and you did surprizingly well! you didn't cry through the night or throw any big fits- it was awsome. And just this week you have been SCREAMING during your naps and SCREAMING in the middle of the night- I am guessing it is either your molars coming in or growth spurts- whatever it is-it's driving me CRAZY! You have such a LOUD and scary scream-and you are like me (unfortunatly)-stubborn, and won't usually calm down unless I come in and comfort you- but I don't want to do that- because I KNOW you are capable of going back to sleep or reading a book, or playing with toys! So why the SCREAMING??? To drive me crazy?!?? AH, NOLEN! I love you to pieces, but boy- I don't know how much more of this screaming I can take. I just let you scream for the last 45 mins, and you FINALLY quieted down- and I hope to help you figure out what is going on! I love you. OH! You did do your first poops in the baseball toilet today! WAHOO- so happy, you are doing great! I am now feeling guilty- I am going to go get you and hold you close. Even though you scream loudly, and give me headaches, I can't resist your snuggles:) LOVE YOU.

Love,
Mom