Aching

Life is crazy. My brother Bryan is going through some pretty harsh depression and it is eating away at him and the rest of us. Poor Sarah and the kids. I don't have the time to go into detail, other than this has been the first BIG HIT for our "perfect" family- so I used to think. It is good for me to experience this. This is where the Gospel rings true and come alive in life.
I love my children. I am so blessed to be a mom to two beautiful, healthy boys. It is hard work. Hardest work I have ever experienced. But, it's good and it's true.
I love my husband. I love that I feel secure and loved by him.
Life is precious and I need to realize this more. I hope and ache for Bryan. I hope he comes out of this dark place- whether it be months or years ahead- I hope he comes back.

A new start.

After 6 months of unemployment, Owen finally got a job! A great job! He is working at Highland Cove in Salt Lake City as a Manager in Training. He started this week and so far is loving every minute! I am so happy for him and feel continually blessed that this job came at the right time. I can honestly say that the past 6 months have been VERY trying and VERY difficult. I don't think there was a day that I didn't cry. It was just so hard and overwhelming to know that he wasn't getting jobs because of his inexperience or not enough training. But all along, I trusted that the Lord would have a plan for us and I just needed to do the best I could to have faith along the way. I was not perfect, and still am far from it, but I am TRYING and continue to TRY each day to live close to my Heavenly Father. I can do so much better. But needless to say we have begun a new chapter this week in our lives. This job, I am sure will open many doors and lead us to new experiences.
So I finally uploaded a TON of pictures and will just post some random ones and hopefully in the NEAR future I can be more diligent in keeping record of what is going on in our lives with posts and pictures together:)
4th of July

Sunday Family Photos/June 2012

tonight.

I have LOVED putting Nolen down for bed lately. I lay down beside him, sing him either You Are My Sunshine or I am a Child of God, talk with quietly with him for a few minutes then just lay and listen to him breathe. When I get up to go I kiss him goodnight and he grabs my neck and holds me tightly to him, not letting go...LOVE it. In those moments I feel so blessed to have him in my life. I love being a mom. I may not express it much and I could do it a lot better, but with all the hard, frustrating and awful things that come along with rasing kids, its the best job ever. hands down. I love my job.

church.

I was in a bad mood when I got to church today for a number of reasons...William was with us and the boys were just antsy to begin with, Ollie was everywhere (no surprise) and Owen made me upset because he over-exagerated "scooting down" and I just got very upset- so after Nolen got loud during a confirmation for a new family in our ward I got up and took him out to an empty room, plotted him down on a chair and just sat and stared ahead in major discouragment. Nolen fake-cried for about five minutes then got concerned as I began crying. I just started and couldnt stop. Nolen was very concerned, got quiet and said "Im so sorry mom. I am so sorry" Which of course made me cry more and I finally took him in my arms and said "Nolen I need you to be a good boy. I need you to listen to me. I need you to be nice. I need you to whisper and be reverant in church." He was very sweet and agreed to help me out. He then put his arms around me and said "Mom, I will take care of you." MELT MY HEART KID! I was all of sudden better and resolved deep down inside that this week would be better. I am going to TRY to be better in many ways. One step at a time though right? Tender mercy- as I was walking back to go back in for sacrament (thinking for sure I had already missed taking the Sac.)- i came right in time to take it in the hallway.I was grateful to be able to take the sacrament and renew my covenants. This week I am going to :
NOT GO ON FACEBOOK. - its pointless...waste of my time.
NOT YELL. TRY at least.
BE SWEETER to my HUSBAND. he's too good to me and I need to pay him back more often.
NOT get so STRESSED so QUICKLY or EASILY. go with the flow and let things go. There is always tomorrow.
TRY. I am going to TRY to be better this week. We ll see how it goes.:)

blessed.

I spend a lot of my days discouraged, frustrated and frazzled. I feel so much that I am inadequate as a mother, and inadequate as a wife and it just gets to me so often lately. BUT luckily I KNOW I am blessed at the end of the day. I have two BEAUTIFUL boys who are the BEST things that have happend to me in my life (other than Owen- get to him later). I LOVE that Nolen will HUG me so TIGHT and give me kisses lots. And Ollie-his SMILE just melts my heart. He has been so expressive with his many emotions lately.
Unfortunatly I have been interupted a number of times tonight-- I will have to finish this later. argh.

Life Lately...

Life has definetly been tough lately. With Owen out of work and the prospects of finding a job sooner than later not looking so good, it seems like we are trapped. Our relationship has for sure been hindered in the last few months, not because we want it this way- it's just the circumstances that have put us in unwanted situations. It's hard for me to imagine if it would be any better if we were living on our own again in our own home? I like to think so. We would have our own furniture, our own food, our own beds, our own closets...all of which seems so simple but when you don't have your own home to come home to it's eye-opening. The good thing is and the BLESSING is that we get to stay at my parents' home which if we had to live ANYWHERE for a period of time- this would be the place. So much love here from them and so much freedom to feel like we can operate how we would in our own place. My parents have been so kind to house us for these last few months. Nolen and Ollie sure do love to play with them and be around them whenever they get the chance. This will definetly be a memory not to be forgotten.
Owen has been very diligent in seeking employment. We are waiting to hopefully hear from and have more interviews from Sunrise in Holladay. The other discouraging thing is that as soon as Owen moves so far along in the whole HIRING process, things all of a sudden fall through. So on to PATIENCE PATIENCE and more PATIENCE. I do need to be more appreciative of Owen's hard work though. I know he wants whats best for this family and I need to support him even more.
Nolen has grown so much since we have been here. His vocabulary is everywhere and it is hilarious to hear him say things. His latest funny sayings are:
when he gets in trouble and has to go to time out he'll run away to time-out and YELL/SCREAM- "BAD!!!!!!"
The other night him and Will were eating dinner doing their lame "yummy-ow" get up when I said "You guys are such dorks" and Nolen came back with- " No wer'e not mom- wer'e just kids!" good one!
We take naps together lately and he will always ask if I will "snuggle him a lot"
We talked about the Resurrection around Easter this year and told Nolen that Jesus died for us, so often when Nolen hears Jesus's name or something about him he will almost get teary eyed and say " Jesus died mom...that's so sad" gotta work on that one...
Ollie is just a FUNNY little boy. I LOVE to watch him walk. I have never seen a baby walk like Ollie. It's almost like he just got off a horse and has a giddy'up. So cute. He LOVES to follow Nolen and Will everywhere and tries to stay up with them. Today he got really upset because Nolen took a ball away from him and he didn't know what to do, so he grabbed a flower out of Nana's pot and threw it on the ground angrily. It was pretty funny.
I am doing my best to do things that keep me sane and happy. I am borrowing Sarah's guitar, reading ALOT and trying to cook more. Anyway I don't feel like writing anymore...i have GOT TO get better at writing here more! UGH!

It's been a while.

I wish and hope that one day I will be much better at keeping a journal. Oh, how many times I have said these same words. Life has been crazy to say the least...in a nutshell-
- we are currently living at mom and dad's in Springville while Owen SEARCHES high and low for a job.
- Ollie is a WHINER and will NOT stop whining or crying until he gets exactly what he wants.
- Nolen is VERY DISOBEDIENT lately. As soon as you tell him to NOT do something- he DOES it intentionally! He is CONSTANTLY in time outs.
- I am an emotional roller-coaster...mainly wishing away that I was more domestic and better to all my boys. I feel I have so much potential to do something GREAT but often find myself frustrated and discouraged because we seem to be in a family rut and that is all I can focus on. Wonderful.
- Owen has really been doing a great job in being consistent each day for searching for employment. When he is up I am down and vice versa.
- I do have to say that it is overly NICE to be here in UTAH. I love it here and feel so blessed that mom and dad have offered to help us out as we are in transition. I just HOPE that this transition will come to an end sooner than later.
** I will do my best to once again be better at documenting things in my life....

HAPPY 3RD BIRTHDAY NOLEN!

So yes, I am a week behind in writing you for your birthday- BUT at least I am getting to it and I have been WANTING to forever now, just couldn't find the time.

Your birthday this year was PERFECT. We celebrated it on the 5th because we were going to be heading down to CA to see dad. Anyway it was so fun and so simple. We had balloons waiting at the top of the stairs for you- which you and Ollie LOVED and you went bowling with Will and came home for pizza, dessert (cake with a thomas engine on it) and presents! It was so fun to see you light up about everything on your birthday. This was for sure the first birthday where you "got it".

I love you so much Nolen. You seriously make me the happiest mama around. I truly feel like you and I have this certain bond that no one knows about. Just you and me. I love to snuggle you and hear you breath when you fall asleep. I love to see you interact with Ollie boy. You sure do love him a lot. You love to learn too! You continually want to learn and LOVE to share with others what you have learned. We are working on your abc's and 123's- getting close! You love to sing songs with me and I love it too.

I am so glad you are my boy and that you are here to teach me each day what it means to be a mother. I hope that I can continue to be as good as you are to me. I love you so much Nolen!!

Love-

Mama

LIfe.

Since I am the world's worst journal writer- and most inconsistent- I have once again decided to try using this blog as my journal. Why not? No one knows about this blog but Owen, and I do much better at typing than I do writing. My problem is that I feel like once I begin to write or type, I feel as if my thoughts in my mind that I want to write about are going so much faster than what I can type? Doesn't make much sense, but needless to say I will give this another shot.

I just felt good today. I went with my parents to their Stake Conference with the boys. Owen has and will be in CA for a while looking for a job. Anyway- most of the two hours was spent trying to keep the boys entertained and trying to keep them happy, so I wasn't able to get EVERYTHING out of conference that I could have. But then again, I am glad I went and I am so grateful my parents were there to help coral the boys. From what I did listen or "got" in the conference were a few things...some that had nothing to do at all with what was being spoken on. Anyway here it goes:

1. I was watching a young family ( maybe a few year older than Owen and I- had 3 kids oldest about 8 and youngest maybe 3?) anyway I watched this couple work together to keep their kids from getting bored or out of control. I know Owen and I do our best together as well when we are in that circumstance. More than anything I watched the mom. She radiated light and nurture through her actions and love for each child. She was calm and collected. She cherished the time she had with her daughter's one on one time. The way she looked at her daughter told me she was so much in love with being a mother and wife at this time in her life. So what I got out of this scenario is- I KNOW that I do my BEST to be like this mother daily. And I hope more than anything I am not COMPARING myself to her (because I've learned lately that that does me no good) but more than anything I watched her and ADMIRED her and hope that I can CONTINUE to be the BEST mom I can to my boys. I am one LUCKY MOM to have Ollie and Nolen in my life. Oh boy, are there times when I literally want to pull my and their hair out. There are times when I want to throw in the towel ( on a daily basis it seems). But this leads me to the second thing I caught during conference today...

2. One of the speakers- I think a youth speaker whom I was so impressed with mentioned that we as Latter Day Saints need to do the little things in life that will keep us on the path and keep us moving forward in the gospel. These little things are of course the little things I've been taught since primary- reading/studying the scriptures, praying, fasting, serving, going to church, etc. Well it again hit me today that if I want my boys to grow and be GOOD MEN in the gospel then I as their mother need to work VERY hard on these little daily things myself. How can I expect them to improve and grow in the gospel if I, their mother, the one who is with them all the time-not even practice these good habits myself? Which leads me to the 3rd and last thing I got out of conference,

3. The two youth speakers who spoke today blew me away with their light and testimonies. A boy and girl. Probably juniors or seniors in High School. I was so impressed with the way they spoke and the testimonies that shone through their countenance. I sat there thinking about how i so HOPE my boys will be as strong and diligent in the gospel at that age. I already fear the future of my ( I should be saying OUR) boys. There is so much evil in the world. My parents raised 6 kids in the gospel and we have all been married in the temple and all 5 boys served missions. But I know plenty of GOOD families who have done there all to raise their children in the gospel and they have lost one or more to the "world" as they have gotten older. I have NO IDEA what will come in the future...I guess instead of fearing as a mother I should look forward in faith knowing that Owen and I will do our best and show our love to each other and our boys often- and live according to the principles of the gospel and HOPE that Nolen and Ollie will follow not only our example but the examples of their uncles, aunts, cousins, grandmas and grandpas.

I am just so grateful for the church in my life. I know that I have been placed on the Earth at this time to raise a generation who will withstand the fiery darts of the adversary. I hope that I can continue to press forward in the difficult/daily challenges that await me and my family.

Nolen,

We have been in Utah for about 3 weeks now. And what you think is Utah is, Nana and Papa's house. It is so funny because whenever we are driving up to their house you will say, " We made it! We made it to Utah!" And we when are out and about and you want to go home you will say,

"Can we go to Utah?" Or, "Can William come over to Utah?"

My other favorite thing you are doing lately is saying your own prayers. You are always insisting to say the prayer. You have even volunteered in nursery. Your prayers are very sweet, and usually consist of the same thing:

bless William to come over and play with me

bless nana, papa, william and sarah and bryan and mama and dada and ollie boy!

bless this food to give nourishment

in name of Jesus Christ AMEN!

I LOVE to watch you pray too because you fold your arms so tightly and bow your head and squint your eyes shut...so serious and sooo cute.

In the car one day I was talking with Nana and somehow you were talking to us about different people and I said "I'm your Nana!" (just joking of course) and you said, " No you're not nana mom! You are my friend- Mama!" I loved it. I love that you are my little buddy and that I feel a definite bond with you.

I love you so much and will always be your mama and friend:)

Loves,

Mama

Happy 1st Birthday Ollie Boy!

Ollie boy,

A few days ago we celebrated your first birthday here in Utah at Nana and Papa's house. We had a perfect little party. Sarah and William came over for some cake and ice-cream and it was a lot of fun to see you eat your cake! As soon as I said "you can eat it Ollie", you devoured it.

I am so grateful that you came into our lives just over a year ago. I am so happy to have lived through the last year with you, even though it may have been definatley one of the hardest years of my life because of your health, and our financial worries as a family. The first two weeks were easy with you, but as soon as my mom went home and you hit two weeks, colic set it fast. You had major colic on top of extreme acid reflux. Poor baby! It was so awful trying to figure out what was going on with you. I'll never forget the night I had to take you into the ER because you hadn't eaten in 24 hours and you were losing weight fast...so the doctor told me to take you to the ER. Once there, the nurse was watching you nurse, and you wouldn't latch on at all, and then I told her I had tried so many different bottles but nothing seemed to be working. You were so HUNGRY and UPSET. The sweet nurse brought me a sample bottle and you guzzled it down FAST. You ended up going through 8 bottles that night and went home feeling much better. Soon after that I realized that I needed to give you formula from there on out. You sure have gained all that weight back! You are already fitting in clothes that Nolen was wearing a year ago! So needless to say- it has been by far a very trying year for me. BUT I would not trade it for anything. I am so grateful that I was able to endure those difficult days with you and snuggle you through. You have been such a little angel to me. I love you so much and am loving seeing your personality burst! You for sure have a sense of humor. Always laughing at Nolen and you like to copy him. You LOVE to cuddle. You still are very whiny and ALWAYS need attention, but I am so happy to give it to you ( most of the time). Thank you for coming into our lives Ollie. I will always always love you.

Loves,

Mama