gona loose it.

so i think i will begin to type my frustrations out as a mother. right now i have left the kitchen full of dishes to be thrown in the dishwasher, macaroni on the floor, crumbs galore- where an hour ago it was spotless. motherhood. nolen is about to kill his little brother- on purpose as a type... because he can do ANYTHING when he knows im distracted. i am so irritated right now. especially because lately i feel like i am trapped. i do the same gosh dang thing EVERYDAY of my life. i RARELY if EVER get to brushing my teeth, hair, shower by 4 in the afternoon. ollie just fell- hard. i am so angry i can SCREAM. i dont even want to go to him right now- happens ALL THE TIME. he ll stop- soon enough. i just want to feel like SOMEONE. i want to feel ALIVE. i want to feel like im doing SOMETHING with my life. i feel so trapped right now. i want to be happier. and yes there are times when i am happy- but not much. i could be reading the scriptures more, praying more sincerely, and serving those around me more. i can, but really when it gets down to it- i just want to SLEEP when i have time to MYSELF. gosh- im loosing it fast. i have to go- ollie is not stopping. i guess i ll get off this computer and continue doing my day to day mothering, house-cleaning, wifeing (even though that is a WHOLE other post to write about- how am i to be a good wife when i feel like crashing at the end of the day when owen comes home? and all i do to him is bitch and complain?????) oh well- i ve got some of my venting out and about...time to stop. till next time...

Ollie Boy,

My little angel. I love you so much! It has been so fun to watch you grow up lately! It is sad too though to think how fast you have grown since we've lived here in Torrance. We moved here when you were 6 weeks old and now you are 10 months! Really time flies when you have kids! You are such a cruiser. You are crawling so fast and EVERYWHERE! I love to watch you crawl because it is the classic baby crawl but it is too cute to watch you crawl to me and stand up holding onto my legs-something I will miss soon. And as always you LOVE to be with your brother Nolen. You follow him wherever he goes- even when he goes to time-out:) You two have recently started to share a bedroom. It has worked out pretty good so far! I love to hear you both in the morning. Nolen will crawl in with you and make you laugh and giggle. Also Nolen loves to pull you along while you hold on to the back of the walker truck. It is too cute! Sometimes Nolen will go to fast and you fall and roll but get up right away to keep up with him:) The park has been so much fun with you too lately because I can just sit you in the swing and you will sit there the whole time happy as can be- you love the swing! I LOVE to snuggle you even though you aren't quite the snuggler. It is so heavenly when once in a rare while you will lay your head on my shoulder or chest and snuggle- I love it.

I really can't believe you will be a year old in a few months! CAN'T BELIEVE IT! You have grown up right before my eyes! I hope to cherish each day with you because I will miss these days so much so soon!

Thank you for bringing so much joy and happiness into my life Ollie Gregory. I love you forever.

Loves,

Mama

Nolen,

It has been to long! It is also late but I just want to write you a little note. We went to Disneyland again tonight. There is truly something so magical about that place! It is such blast to go with you during the night-time because of all the lights and fun parades and shows. Especially during this Holiday time- SO MUCH LIGHTS and SO MANY fun things to look at! I LOVE watching you look at all the many fun things. Your favorite ride right now is Buzz and the Rockets. We also made it to Its a Small World tonight. That's my favorite. I will NEVER forget these great memories of taking you to Disneyland while we have lived in Torrance. It's been such a short time and so we have been using our pass well!

You have one more sticker for your Potty Training Chart and then you get your MATER! I am so excited for you! I have been so impressed with you potty-training! You are such a big boy and potty-training has been so easy for you- and me!

Your dad and I have been saying a lot lately that you have been GROWING UP WAY TOO FAST lately! We are seeing you change from a Toddler to a LITTLE BOY. Oh- I really hope I am soaking up all that I can. I know that one day I will look back and cry because you will have just grown up before my eyes!!!

My favorite thing with you lately has been going down for naps together or snuggling first thing in the morning. You and Ollie have recently started to share rooms so I have had you with me while Ollie falls asleep. Anyway- I LOVE having you so close. You are pretty antsy for about10 mins, then you see that I am (secretly) closing my eyes and you soon drift off to dreamland. And you are such a sound sleeper. Oh, you are so precious to me. Please snuggle with me when you are older. I will LOVE it even then.

I love you Nolen. Tomorrow is another LONG day ahead with two very demanding, crazy little boys- but I wouldn't have in any other way:)

Loves,

Mama