gona loose it.

so i think i will begin to type my frustrations out as a mother. right now i have left the kitchen full of dishes to be thrown in the dishwasher, macaroni on the floor, crumbs galore- where an hour ago it was spotless. motherhood. nolen is about to kill his little brother- on purpose as a type... because he can do ANYTHING when he knows im distracted. i am so irritated right now. especially because lately i feel like i am trapped. i do the same gosh dang thing EVERYDAY of my life. i RARELY if EVER get to brushing my teeth, hair, shower by 4 in the afternoon. ollie just fell- hard. i am so angry i can SCREAM. i dont even want to go to him right now- happens ALL THE TIME. he ll stop- soon enough. i just want to feel like SOMEONE. i want to feel ALIVE. i want to feel like im doing SOMETHING with my life. i feel so trapped right now. i want to be happier. and yes there are times when i am happy- but not much. i could be reading the scriptures more, praying more sincerely, and serving those around me more. i can, but really when it gets down to it- i just want to SLEEP when i have time to MYSELF. gosh- im loosing it fast. i have to go- ollie is not stopping. i guess i ll get off this computer and continue doing my day to day mothering, house-cleaning, wifeing (even though that is a WHOLE other post to write about- how am i to be a good wife when i feel like crashing at the end of the day when owen comes home? and all i do to him is bitch and complain?????) oh well- i ve got some of my venting out and about...time to stop. till next time...

Ollie Boy,

My little angel. I love you so much! It has been so fun to watch you grow up lately! It is sad too though to think how fast you have grown since we've lived here in Torrance. We moved here when you were 6 weeks old and now you are 10 months! Really time flies when you have kids! You are such a cruiser. You are crawling so fast and EVERYWHERE! I love to watch you crawl because it is the classic baby crawl but it is too cute to watch you crawl to me and stand up holding onto my legs-something I will miss soon. And as always you LOVE to be with your brother Nolen. You follow him wherever he goes- even when he goes to time-out:) You two have recently started to share a bedroom. It has worked out pretty good so far! I love to hear you both in the morning. Nolen will crawl in with you and make you laugh and giggle. Also Nolen loves to pull you along while you hold on to the back of the walker truck. It is too cute! Sometimes Nolen will go to fast and you fall and roll but get up right away to keep up with him:) The park has been so much fun with you too lately because I can just sit you in the swing and you will sit there the whole time happy as can be- you love the swing! I LOVE to snuggle you even though you aren't quite the snuggler. It is so heavenly when once in a rare while you will lay your head on my shoulder or chest and snuggle- I love it.

I really can't believe you will be a year old in a few months! CAN'T BELIEVE IT! You have grown up right before my eyes! I hope to cherish each day with you because I will miss these days so much so soon!

Thank you for bringing so much joy and happiness into my life Ollie Gregory. I love you forever.

Loves,

Mama

Nolen,

It has been to long! It is also late but I just want to write you a little note. We went to Disneyland again tonight. There is truly something so magical about that place! It is such blast to go with you during the night-time because of all the lights and fun parades and shows. Especially during this Holiday time- SO MUCH LIGHTS and SO MANY fun things to look at! I LOVE watching you look at all the many fun things. Your favorite ride right now is Buzz and the Rockets. We also made it to Its a Small World tonight. That's my favorite. I will NEVER forget these great memories of taking you to Disneyland while we have lived in Torrance. It's been such a short time and so we have been using our pass well!

You have one more sticker for your Potty Training Chart and then you get your MATER! I am so excited for you! I have been so impressed with you potty-training! You are such a big boy and potty-training has been so easy for you- and me!

Your dad and I have been saying a lot lately that you have been GROWING UP WAY TOO FAST lately! We are seeing you change from a Toddler to a LITTLE BOY. Oh- I really hope I am soaking up all that I can. I know that one day I will look back and cry because you will have just grown up before my eyes!!!

My favorite thing with you lately has been going down for naps together or snuggling first thing in the morning. You and Ollie have recently started to share rooms so I have had you with me while Ollie falls asleep. Anyway- I LOVE having you so close. You are pretty antsy for about10 mins, then you see that I am (secretly) closing my eyes and you soon drift off to dreamland. And you are such a sound sleeper. Oh, you are so precious to me. Please snuggle with me when you are older. I will LOVE it even then.

I love you Nolen. Tomorrow is another LONG day ahead with two very demanding, crazy little boys- but I wouldn't have in any other way:)

Loves,

Mama

Ollie,

When I was away on the Mose Daddy Convention you learned how to CRAWL and you grew in TWO teeth! You grew up so fast while I was gone! Now you are everywhere! Your crawl is the cutest thing in the world. I LOVE to watch you. And you just got the " I'm gonna get you" game. You also started to stand while holding onto an object! I LOVE it. I LOVE seeing you grow and become the cutest little boy ever. It does make me sad though, that you are growing up so fast. But, this is life, and we need to always make the best of it. I am so grateful for your smiles and the light in your eyes. I love that you know who I am and I LOVE that you LOVE to be with me. You have been a bit challenging though lately too. If you are not eating or getting 100 percent attention at times- you THROW A FIT. And it drives us all crazy. But luckily, I think I am beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel as far as your "colicky" goes. I think now that you are eating more, you are becoming bigger and thus more happy! Hopefully...

Please always be my baby. I love you so much Ollie Boy.

Loves,

Mom.

Nolen,

You are so funny. Gosh, you have the ability to FRUSTRATE me SO EASILY but in an instant make me want to SQUEEZE you with love. Lately, you have been very challenging. I am hoping it is your age. When I am on the phone- usually with Nana, you become so defiant and disobedient because you KNOW you can get away with things. Today for instance, you pushed Ollie, you threw your toys EVERYWHERE, you were playing with the mouse and keyboard- just driving me insane while I was on the phone. Then when a friend came over to chat, you did the same things! Only this time you put food in your cup of water then dumped it on the table- WHAT? WHY? I guess you really are pushing my buttons and making me a better person in the long run as I learn how to deal and handle circumstances such as this. But then I LOVE our relationship. I LOVE that you come to me even if I have scolded you to death and sent you to your room 5 times. You come to me and say "I'm so sorry" and then you snuggle me and let me look into your beautiful blue eyes. I love it. I love you. I just hope I am doing all that I can to raise you well in this crazy world of ours. I'm scared of the future with the way times change so fast these days. I seriously hope that when you are a MAN you will be a good MAN like your dad. A MAN who respects women. A MAN who LOVES to serve. A MAN who LOVES his wife. A MAN who loves his kids. A MAN who knows who he is and what he can do. A MAN who is determined to make good things happen. A MAN who is true and faithful in his covenants. A MAN who still loves his MAMA:) My mom told me today that she used to think when she was raising all her boys, " I am raising a MAN- this little boy will one day be a man and I need to do all that I can to make sure I raise a good MAN" I hope I am doing that Nolen. I love you more than words can express. Please always know that!

Loves,
Mama. Mom.

The Mose Daddy's Convention 2011- Part 2

So rather than go into minute to minute detail of what we did at the farm- I think I will just do as my mom suggested- write what I "felt". The first night we got there together- Mark and Matt walked me over to Sandy's house (where I slept) and we looked up at the stars in amazement. The stars there are unbelievable. We just stood there and couldn't believe what we were looking at. So clear. We all commented that we don't know what we are doing with our lives. The reason we said that is because on the farm- things are just different. You become a different/better person. Life becomes so much more clear, and your thoughts are only thoughts that really matter. Back home, I'm always stressed, worried, uptight and so on. But on the farm, I just felt at peace with everything. It is hard to explain other than it just felt different- a good different. So many times I would just pause and take in the beauty around me and BREATHE. It felt so GOOD to BREATHE and THINK. Really think. Maybe it was because I didn't have my children around. They do cause so much "clutter"- not to make that sound bad- it's just I feel SO INVOLVED with being a parent that I forget to ENJOY what I have and what I've been blessed with. When I got off the plane to see my kiddos and Owen, I was so at ease. Owen wrote me a letter explaining my change. He said it was a good change- that I had come home less WORRIED. I was hoping I could be that CHANGED person forever- but today proved otherwise(more on that another time). The point that I am trying to make here is I realized so many times up at the farm, that LIFE is PRECIOUS. We NEED to STOP and PAUSE and THINK about what we are doing here on Earth. Is all the stressing, anxiety, and uptightness really worth it?? Since I've been home and I have gotten back to "real life" I have tried to close my eyes and see the farm again. I have had some moments in just the few days that I have been home where I feel my "old self, before the farm-self" to come back. I HATE IT. I want to control my actions and remember what I felt there in the beautiful land. Life is PRECIOUS. It really is, and if I forget that, well then I forget to cherish the sweet things in life.

There was also a night when we all went down to the dock/lake and star-gazed. Wow. Talk about putting things into perspective. Mark and Matt explained to me that above us in the Milky Way was MORE, OTHER worlds full of other beings looking down on us. That right there sure did make me again think- what am I doing with my life?? I come back here to L.A. with the busy lights,sounds, noises, and STUFF, that I get so caught up in. I could see SO MUCH in the sky on the farm. It was really breathtaking. Again, I hope I can PAUSE and think of that night often- put things into perspective and really live the way I should.

I felt LOVE. I have the most AMAZING 5 brothers. I honestly don't know how I got so lucky. Do I wish I had a sister? Maybe in the past when I was little- but I wouldn't trade my 5 brothers for anything. All of them told me they were SO GLAD I came. It would have not been the same without me- they said. Each one is so different, yet we are all the same too. The reason I believe we all are best friends and get a long so well is first and foremost the way my parents raised us-in LOVE. We have Bryan who is the musician, and writer- such a mellow and sincere person. Mark the scientist, who is the THINKER and IN TUNE one. Matt, the fun, sweet, creative and KIND one. Brad, the funny, SMART and people pleaser. And John-the wise owl- the one we would want to be with in a chaotic moment because he knows how to stay calm a midst the storm. There was one night when I started to talk with Matt and Bryan about marriage/finances in general. And lately Owen and I have been struggling with so many things. I broke down and they were both there to hear me cry and vent. Matt especially knew what I was going through because he has experienced some of the same feelings. Then soon after John came in and gave me a hug. I am so glad I can cry in front of my brothers and know that they will always be there with a listening ear and open heart.

When we left the farm we were all standing outside the house. Grandpa said a prayer and we started to say our goodbyes to Grandma. How we love those people. Both Grandma and Grandpa will be missed. My Grandma Nothum is such a sweet person. She is constantly looking after people around her and wants to take good care of those in her view. Grandpa Nothum is so stalwart and strong. He knows who he is and lives his life so well.I couldn't hold back the tears and neither could Brad. I think it was a mix of emotions then. We didn't want to leave our grandparents and we didn't want to leave the farm, but most importantly we didn't want to leave what we had gained from being there. We all became someone different, for the better. The farm changed us and we will forever remember our time there together.

The Mose Daddy's Convention 2011- Part 1

First off, I am beyond blessed and overly grateful for the opportunity my parents gave my brothers and I to be able to spend some quality time at the farm. I stop sometimes to think how blessed, lucky and grateful I am to have the parents that I have. How did my mom KNOW that I NEEDED this TRIP NOW?? Pure inspiration and LOVE. That's how. Originally I was going to go with my mom in the Spring time because my parents weren't sure how Ollie would be at this time in his life with all his acid re-flux and such. Long story short, my mom and I talked about a week before all the boys were going to fly out to the farm. I let her know how excited I was for them to go, and she felt bad about not having me go. She called later in the day to tell me she had a ticket to fly down and watch my boys and I had a ticket to fly out with the boys! I am SO HAPPY I decided to go! I would regret it so much if I hadn't gone. My mom is amazing. I can't say enough good things about her! I ached for her and dad to be with us on the farm many times, but knew she was so happy for all of her kids to be there together. She is such a selfless lady. Someone I hope to be like someday.

I was the first to meet my brothers in St. Louis at the airport. Sandy and her son Scott picked us up in the suburban and it took about 45 mins. for all the boys to load the luggage. That in and of itself was pretty funny. We drove to Steak N' Shake and enjoyed our food over laughter and excitement for what was to come. All six of us were crammed in the back. It was pretty crazy to see us all in the same car. But off we headed to the farm...

What I missed...

Ollie-

I got back from the best trip in the world to "The Farm" a couple nights ago. Nana stayed with you and Nolen and took such good care of you along side dad. When I got back you were crawling and 2 teeth have come in on the bottom! I would say that's a lot for just a few days of being out of your sight!! Your crawl is so cute too. It's a slow, inch by inch crawl. Nolen just did the army crawl so it is fun to see you do the real crawl. You get cuter and cuter every day. I MISSED you so much while I was gone and was sooo happy to get you in my arms again. I can't believe you will be 9 months so soon. I still feel like you are my "baby" and you are, but you are growing up fast. I think it's different than Nolen was because with Nolen I kind of looked for the next steps, but with you I am cherishing EVERY moment with you and not really looking forward to the "next step" because I want to remember every little detail about you at this age.

I love you so much Ollie Gregory.

loves,

Mom.

BEEP BEEP!

Nolen,
Oh man. It happened, and I hope you don't read this letter til your a bit older, like 30! So lately, when you get upset, frustrated, inpatient you either mumble or say quickly and abruptly "DAMN IT!" Now where on earth did you get that from?? Sadly, me. The first time you did it, I couldn't help but laugh...which of course you saw and thought it was funny afterwards. I have punished you by sending you to time-out and spanking. Its probably happened about 10 times now. Also the first time you did it your dad was very upset with me and gave me a look of dissapointment- so I have been trying so hard not to use that word or any other swear word in my vocabulary. I have been doing pretty good too! But unfortunatly you remember that word and use it here and there- when you're really upset. Tonight you did again when you were trying to turn off the T.V. with the remote and it didn't work. You said it and your dad and I tried so hard not to laugh and turn the other way- but of course you saw us and laughed too. We still sent you to time out- so not working! I feel awful for teaching you such a bad word, and not being able to fix it! It is pretty much the cutest thing though when you do say it. That's why we laugh. You wouldn't typically expect a 2 year old to say that word. So needless to say- I HOPE this will pass and I HOPE you will stop saying this word forever because it will make me look real bad soon enough...but secretly it is so adorable when you do it. PLEASE don't say it anymore DAMN IT!

I love you to pieces.
LOVES,
Mom

Ollie Boy,

You are so much fun at this age!! You will be 8 months in a few days and I can't believe it! Some of the things I LOVE about you right now are:
- you LOVE to watch your big brother Nolen. You are ALWAYS following him around the room-turning your body to be facing him at all times:)
-Nolen makes you laugh easily and I think you may just have the cutest laugh ever!
- When sitting down and happy, you rock your body up and down, waving your arms in delight
- You light up whenever dad is around. He is your hero.
- I LOVE to get you from naps or bedtime. You always wake up with a smile, and when we pick you up you immedietly kick your legs in excitment to start the day:)
-I love your sqeals and baby talk- can't get enough of it!

I love you so much baby Ollie. Thank you for bringing so much joy into our home everyday:)

Loves, Mom.

Nolen,

Today we danced. Nothing new, we always dance to Pandora music. Our favorites are the Disney station and Toddler station. But this time I really had fun- I soaked it in. There is somthing about dancing with you that brings me sooo much joy! You love to have me twirl with you or make you "fly". And when I do twirl you, you hold so close to me and that's what I love. I love when all is care free and it's just you and I loving the moment we are in. I am happy that I took the time to really dance and just be with you. It was so much fun. I am not good at all with words, so I want to copy somthing I read on a blog the other day. Everything that is said from this blog is SO TRUE.
"The living moment is the most breathing, captivating, fleeting thing. It is magic. Emerson said we are alwasy getting ready to live, but never living. Is he right?
Too much I choose blinders without thinking and like the work-horse, I am bent to the plow, the laundry basket, the floor, the sink. Sometimes I am too bent on getting us ready to live that I brush right past the living."
I hope that I won't forget today, dancing with you. I hope that I can enjoy the hear and now. Another thing that this lady wrote in her blog, is that children don't live in the past or future, they live in the here and now. I hope that I can do that more often. I am loving these "here and now" moments with you Nolen! I love you!

Loves, Mom.

Disneyland with my boys.

Nolen and Ollie-
Today I decided last minute to take you Disneyland for a few hours- and boy was it a great idea! It couldn't have been more perfect. We went on, It's a Small World, to ToonTown, Tea Cups, Peter Pan, and ended the morning with the Carosel (sp?)...Nolen you are learning how to be a better boy in line. You love to climb anything you can and by so doing you sometimes get hurt in the process- hoping you learn soon just to stand still! And Ollie! PERFECT! You came on all the rides with us without a tear- you loved it just as much as Nolen. Near the end when when we were in line for the Carosel you fell asleep on my chest and I held you so close and snuggled you up. You have never done that before. It was too precious having you up against my cheek.
Before naps today- Nolen- you began to make Ollie laugh again. I LOVE LOVE LOVE when you make your little brother laugh. You can do it so quickly. Ollie sure does think you are the best. He LOVES to watch what you do and follows you wherever you go. He just thinks you are pretty much the coolest ever.
Thank you boys for making me one happy mama today. I love you and am so happy that I get to stay home with you and take good care of you!!

Loves,
Mom

SCREAMING.

Nolen-
I am so happy I have found a way to write to you whenever I want. My friend gave me this wonderful idea to make a blog for my boys so whenever a funny, sad, awkward, madning, thing happens I can write it down and keep in touch with you through these letters!
So you are now 2 1/2 and clearly on your way to 3, and oh so active! We got rid of your binky about a month ago and you did surprizingly well! you didn't cry through the night or throw any big fits- it was awsome. And just this week you have been SCREAMING during your naps and SCREAMING in the middle of the night- I am guessing it is either your molars coming in or growth spurts- whatever it is-it's driving me CRAZY! You have such a LOUD and scary scream-and you are like me (unfortunatly)-stubborn, and won't usually calm down unless I come in and comfort you- but I don't want to do that- because I KNOW you are capable of going back to sleep or reading a book, or playing with toys! So why the SCREAMING??? To drive me crazy?!?? AH, NOLEN! I love you to pieces, but boy- I don't know how much more of this screaming I can take. I just let you scream for the last 45 mins, and you FINALLY quieted down- and I hope to help you figure out what is going on! I love you. OH! You did do your first poops in the baseball toilet today! WAHOO- so happy, you are doing great! I am now feeling guilty- I am going to go get you and hold you close. Even though you scream loudly, and give me headaches, I can't resist your snuggles:) LOVE YOU.

Love,
Mom